All of the events in which you are about to read are indeed, factual.
First off let me tell you, I have the worst luck with women. All the ones I get involved with are bat shit crazy. Now, I admit, most of the time it is all my fault because it can easily be avoided. Let me elaborate… So it was summer 2011 and I was pretty much fresh off of a breakup from a long relationship and of course being a free man I wanted to go out and meet new women so I went to a kickback with one my friends. The atmosphere was great; good liquor and pretty women. So I’m just doing my usual thing, you know keeping a low profile, scoping out all the talent (women). Then I saw this beautiful, thick, light skinned woman with long naturally curly hair! Needless to say, my jaw hit the floor staring at this chick. Anyway, we made eye contact and I new she wanted my attention, but I noticed she had guys all over her and she seemed like the type of girl who always got what she wanted. So, my over inflated ego wouldn’t allow me to walk over there and give her what she wanted (insert dirty joke here).
So I just started making convo with a girl sitting across from me. I was acting silly, telling jokes making the girl laugh. After, the girl was drunk and eventually passed out on the floor. The beautiful girl who I schemed on came and spoke to me. My ego couldn’t have been anymore enhanced at that point. I won that battle and that’s all that mattered. Anywho, the girl introduced herself and hell, for the sake of the story let’s call her “Cunty Lunatic.” After we introduced ourselves I asked her what her ethnicity was because she looked very exotic. She told me she was mixed with Dominican + Puerto Rican. Now if you know me, you know that I absolutely love Spanish women soo this was music to my ears. So we hit it off, shes my type of chick… Goofy, funny, weird and into nerd culture. Everything seems to be going great. Then she asked me if I was her boyfriend now. Should’ve been a red flag, but I thought she was just drunk. Since I was kind of drunk, I was hungry and invited her to come with me to Waffle House.
We arrive at Waffle House, order our food and continue our goofy, weird nerd talk. This seems like a great night right? WRONG! A girl I know from my school walks past on her way to leave, notices me, says hi and hugs me. I say hi and hug her back then introduce her to Cunty Lunatic. A few minutes passed by and I noticed Cunty Lunatic had an attitude. Now this is where the night and the “relationship” took an early, weird, crazy, unmedicated turn. Here’s the exchange between Cunty Lunatic and I.
Cunty Lunatic: What the fuck was that, Anthony?!
Drunk Me: Excuse me? (In a drunken confused stare)
Cunty Lunatic: Who was that bitch?
Drunk Me: I just introduced her.
Cunty Lunatic: So you gonna introduce me to all your bitches?
Drunk Me: Are you serious right now? (Starts to laugh uncontrollably)
Cunty Lunatic: Let’s get something straight, don’t you dare look at another bitch when you’re with me!
Yes, this was actually happening to me at 3 am in Waffle House. By this time of the night there was nothing but dudes with durags on their heads with fitted caps perched on top of it and they were all staring at me, shaking their heads with the, “Get your hoe in check” look on their faces. I couldn’t hold it back any longer, I burst with laughter. I thought she was talking like that because she was drunk so I laughed it off and started eating. After a few minutes she turned back into the weird, funny, goofy girl. I paid it no mind and just went with it because, you know, she was hot and being newly single I didn’t know any better. After we are finished I walked her to her car. Here’s the exchange:
Drunk Me: I had a good time tonight.
Cunty Lunatic: Me too!
Drunk Me: We should chill sometime.
Cunty Lunatic: What?! Don’t think you just gonna come over and fuck me nigga, that shit aint gonna fly. Look at me, I’m a lady!
Later on my boy Sean explained to me that “chill” doesn’t mean “chill” anymore. It means “fuck.” I had been out the game for awhile being that I was recently in a long relationship. Getting back into the mix would be tougher than I thought.
That night should’ve been the last night I spoke to her. And you’re probably wondering why I didn’t stop. Well, dumb 19 year old me had this scale… I called it the crazy-hot scale which shows that a woman can be crazy, as long as she’s equally as hot. Dumb right? Yup, that’s how a young man’s mind works sometimes unfortunately. So anyway, a couple of days go by and she sends me a text asking would I like to go to the beach with her. I accept the invitation, even with the disturbing events of the first night fresh in my mind. Maybe I did it because of the way she carried herself. Maybe, it was her glowing personality. LOL, nah! I’m not going to BS you guys. All I could think about was how she looked in her swim suit. Having a penis really sucks sometimes…
Anyway we hit the beach, she looks great! I mean magnificent! She apologized for going off on me at Waffle House and explains she went off because her ex cheated on her with a girl he introduced her to when they went out. Anyway, we have fun and the craziness did not peak its terrifying head out for the 3 hours at the beach. After we get our shoes on and I walk her to her car she asks me a question. Here’s the exchange.
Cunty Lunatic: Hey, you want to come over tomorrow and hangout? I will cook whatever you want!
Me: I would love to, but I promised my friends I would watch the NBA Finals with them.
Cunty Lunatic: Oh ok, maybe another time then.
Fast forward to the next day.
Im chillin’ with the guys watching the game, talking shit, shooting the breeze. Out of nowhere I get a text from Cunty Lunatic. Here’s the exchange:
Cunty Lunatic: Hey boo, what you doing?
Me: Watching the game with the fellas. Watsup?
Cunty Lunatic: Nothing, just wondering if you wanted to come over.
Me: I can’t, I told you I was watching the game with the guys today.
Cunty Lunatic: Come on, we can go to my room and do some things.
Me: Nah, I’m watching the game.
Cunty Lunatic: You probably with another bitch! All you niggas are the same!
I ignored that last text. Now usually I wouldn’t turn down hanging out with a chick to hang around a bunch of guys, but 1) It was the Finals 2) I realized at that moment she was bat shit crazy and may try to kill me once I get into the confines of her home like Lynn Whitfield tried to kill Martin in that movie A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. Well anyway, I thought that was the last I would hear of Cunty Lunatic, but I was wrong. She called me several times and I ignored every last one of them and on the 8th call, she called me private like I was going to pick up the phone wondering who was calling me. The genius left me a voicemail and this is where it gets very very disturbing. She leaves a voicemail and she’s crying uncontrollably saying, “Why don’t you answer the phone, please!!! WHYYYYY?”
After listening to the voicemail, I have a frightened look on my face. I was pondering should I have a name change and relocate because this woman is crazier than I thought and may stalk me. I play the voicemail to my friends and it is quiet for 10 seconds. Then a burst of laughter enters the room.
Sean: The bitch is obviously crazy!
Jeremy: *Keeps laughing*
Jared: What did I just listen to?
Sean: This is what happens when you give a crazy bitch some good dick.
Me: WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE SEX!!!
Later that night I played the voice mail to my friend Kenny. All he says is, “Damn, if she’s that crazy just imagine how good the pussy is.” I really hate niggas…
A few months later, I am walking into Walmart and Cunty Lunatic and I spot each other. She gives me a, “Fuck you, nigga” look that only a Spanish woman could give. I quickly walk in so she wont say anything. I pay for my stuff and walk to my car and I notice scratches on my car. This chick was off her rocker! In my mind messing with my car is grounds for immediate domestic violence. But being the man I am, I let it go.
Luckily, that was the last I’ve seen of Cunty Lunatic. Now I never harbor bad feeling towards anyone if things don’t pan out or if I’m done wrong. I hope Cunty Lunatic has faced her demons and has gotten over the mental damage her last few boyfriends caused her. But most likely with her man issues shes probably either A) hardcore lesbian or B) crazy lady who owns a lot of cats. I’m going with option B. But this experience foreshadowed how my tenure of being single was going to be and made me hate being single even more.
I’m out of here, ya’ll be cool how ya’ll be cool. Oh and remember if she can put the fitted sheet on your mattress the right way on the first try, she’s wifey material #FACT